


The Many Never Endings

by Juliette1713



Category: Northern Exposure
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-27
Updated: 2018-10-27
Packaged: 2019-08-04 13:58:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16348022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Juliette1713/pseuds/Juliette1713
Summary: During Roots - begins after the last scene with Elaine - something's always been a little enigmatic to me about Joel in that scene at the end with Maggie - this makes up the reasons why





	The Many Never Endings

"...It gave us back our past. You're so much a part of my life. You're woven into the whole fabric. I can't think about my life without thinking about you. And I couldn't think about my life because I was so hurt and - and mad at you. But...now...I got my life back." 

"So, what do we do now?"

Joel looked down at the table, unable to answer. There wasn't a "we" to consider now. But he wasn't sure what his next step should be. Or Elaine's.

"Want to have lunch later? One last time?" Her question filled the silence and made him look up at her again.

"Last time?"

"Yeah...I'm flying back out today. I charted a connection to Anchorage, and I leave here at 3. Redeye back to JFK tonight."

Joel looked uncomfortable. "She's not flying you, is she?"

"Who, Maggie? No. It's a guy named Murphy. Why?"

"That's Red. Okay. No reason. But...you're going?" He was relieved but trying hard not to sound that way.

"Yeah, Joey." Elaine tilted her head and looked at him with fond and regretful eyes. "This didn't go according to plan. Thank goodness. It's time we both get on to whatever is next in our lives."

"What exactly was your plan?"

"Oh come on... you know - I didn't want to be alone and we were together so long so I figured..." She smiled a wry smile. "It was selfish, silly...and like you said, we're too different now...and not in love with each other..."

Joel sat at his kitchen table and looked up at Elaine. "Do you ever wonder - what would have happened if we'd stayed together before? If you hadn't met Dwight - were we always headed this way?"

"I think we both know he's not why we aren't with each other. You and I just weren't meant to be. I'd been trying to avoid that conclusion but then me falling in love with someone else just made it so I couldn't ignore it anymore. Haven't you thought about this before now?"

"Not really. No. After your letter, I just kind of boxed up and shelved this part of my life without really thinking about it any further. Other than staging our last scene together..." He rolled his eyes to himself, smirking.

"What?"

"Oh... just Ed. Trying to help me. He's the guy obsessed with movies..."

"I remember..."

"Well, he tried to give me 'closure', staging our final act together - that day we decided to move in together - at the sidewalk cafe, you remember? He had O'Connell playing you and me saying everything I didn't get to say to you when you dumped me. "

"Which was?"

"Uh...well, not much," he squirmed a little remembering talking about sex and watching Maggie flush even in the freezing temperature, "It was 5 degrees out so she and I just went in and had a drink together."

"Huh. Not Ed?"

"Ed doesn't drink."

"Well...that was sweet of her..."

He was smiling and trying to look annoyed. "Sweet is never the word for her...you know, though, it wouldn't hurt to talk through what happened before we completely close the door on this. Whether this was inevitable... because I'm glad to hear that you really did love him. I thought you just did it because you wanted to get married and I was out here and he was rich and..."

"You thought that's what I was doing?!" She put her hands on her hips as best she could under the blanket wrapped around her.

"Well? It made sense. Rich guy who isn't tethered to Alaska for 3 more years sure sounds more appealing than me..."

"This had nothing to do with money or status or anything. I hope you know that." She slid into the chair across from him, her blanket pooling around her. "I worry about how insecure you still are about yourself."

Joel laughed. "Wouldn't you be if I'd been the one to leave you? And it's funny to hear a woman call me insecure, for once, and not conceited or arrogant or..." Elaine's eyebrows furrowed a little as if she were thinking and about to say something. Joel hurriedly tried to backpeddle out of the conversation. "Look, we don't need to rehash all of this about us again. I was just kind of curious, that's all."

"No, we should. I'm leaving soon, and I don't want you to always think...Look, if I had it to do over again, I'd have told you the truth when I came to visit that first time. I didn't have the heart to do it after what a terrible weekend it had been and how disappointed you were. And you were getting sick."

"What do you mean? What truth?" He had always worried it had been him that set their end into motion that weekend. She'd seemed sad and a little cold the day she'd left. And she'd given him that speech in the Brick, detailing his flaws by way of what Maggie had said to her. He'd worried then that it was over between them and, worse still, had actually been relieved to see her go. Had she noticed that?

"I knew then that we weren't...or I wasn't...that it was over between us." She looked at him with gentle, sympathetic eyes. "Didn't you?"

Joel's eyes betrayed something to her before he was quick enough to look away. He opened his mouth still thinking of what to say when she jumped in again.

"I saw that - tell me! I think I know what you're going to say anyway. You knew! And I think I know why."

"Really? I doubt it."

"Joey - we have at best a couple more hours together before we go our separate ways. Even if you upset me, hurt my feelings, I'm leaving. Can't we have this one last bit of honesty here? I don't want you to always think...whatever it is you do. And I'd like to be able to leave you with some helpful advice, if I can."

"Advice?"

"We'll get there. Tell me what you were just remembering first."

"Okay. So for this to make sense, I have to tell you about this dream I had when you were here - that night you were really sick. It was about my future life in New York. You know, huge apartment, upper east side, two kids, me at a big practice. Everything we always talked about someday. Except everyone in town - Cicely, that is - they were all in it somehow. Maurice was some kind of charity fundraising astronaut that I donated money to. Chris knew Larry King somehow. And Holling was the doorman and Ed was the elevator guy."

She laughed. "How old was the building you were dreaming about? An elevator guy?!"

"Shelly was a hooker. With huge wolf-looking dogs. Huskies or whatever they are. And Marilyn was the maid. She'd love that," he said sarcastically, chuckling a little at the thought. "And you were there. But...as my sister."

"Sister?" She smiled.

"Yeah. Yeah, sister. You were cooking dinner for me and my wife and kids." Elaine made a mock-irritated face, and Joel continued, his voice softening again. "And I couldn't stop thinking after that...that maybe that felt a little closer to right than I wanted to admit. Not you as chef but...that *that* was the way I loved you. Like I feel for Mom and Dad. I was really unsettled by all of that. Especially with you right here when I first realized it. And we were arguing over and over again about O'Connell...I'd never stopped to consider whether what I felt was really...I've never been with anyone else and had nothing to compare us to. So when I started to realize all of this, I didn't know what to do. I mean...7th grade Elaine! We got together when we were 12 years old. What did either of us know about love?"

"You've liked me since *4th* grade." She pointed at him, her nose wrinkling as she made a teasing face.

Joel laughed. "I did. I have. You're right." He shook his head smiling. "It's been a long run, you and me. A great one, too. I just always assumed that this was what love was. Comfortable and predictable and safe and settled and... I'm sure it can be that, but I know it's also supposed to be something more..." She nodded at him, and they fell quiet, regarding each other with fondness. It was definitely over between them, but he found himself genuinely glad to be able to talk about this with her, without vitriol, without pain, without being afraid about what honesty might bring out. He had genuinely missed her friendship. "So you were *in* love with Dwight?"

"Yeah...I still am, too. But it's completely different than how we were. We were - well, like you said - comfortable, easy, familiar...with Dwight, it was terrifying and wonderful and all-encompassing and exhilarating and passionate and... I'm sorry. You probably don't want to hear all of this."

"No, don't be. Really. I'm happy you found that. And sorry you lost him. I can't imagine going through something like that. I'm even kind of sorry I didn't meet him." She raised her eyebrow in response. "Only kind of," he quickly appended. "I haven't really matured that much more."

She smiled another sad smile, then brightened a little. "So, I'm like a sister to you, huh?"

He looked a little chagrined. "Sorry. Again."

Elaine laughed out loud. "Quit apologizing. You have least to be sorry for here. I loved you, Joey. I did. But when I met Dwight, and we started to get to know each other and everything happened....I really knew. That was different. It was something I didn't choose and couldn't help, no matter how much I tried. I did try, too, tried not to let it happen - to me, to us - but I couldn't stop it. That's romantic love. Real love. Being *in* love. And now I just can't picture feeling that way again someday about anybody...and I hope that doesn't mean that was my only chance."

"I'm not sure what I can say to make you feel better... But if you're meant to fall in love again, then you will. And I know you are...so surely you will..."

"That's awfully zen coming from you. Are you lecturing me about fate? You, Mr. Pragmatism? Alaska's sure changed you."

"I know, it's made me crazy. Like them. Some kind of Stockholm syndrome." A teasing look came over his face. "Is Danny Goldman still single?"

She threw a pen at him good naturedly. "No! He's married with a baby on the way. Not that even I care! You've been jealous of him for long enough - time to let it go. And anyway, how about you?"

"Danny's not really my type." He had instinctively responded with joking sarcasm, feeling her her get too close to a topic he'd rather avoid. She realized and pushed again.

"No, I mean...you know. Isn't there anyone special around here who you...and not like a sister?" She had to confirm what she was sure she already knew.

"In Alaska?! Did you see anyone like that around? Eligible women, that is, who aren't 70 years old? Or moose?" Another attempt to joke around the subject. She knew she'd hit on something. 

Elaine raised an eyebrow slightly. "Well..."

Joel's cheeks flushed pink. That confirmed it. "Well what?" He asked, struggling to keep his voice at the same octave it had been before.

She giggled a little, seeing it. And she realized she didn't feel anything but happiness for him about this. "I just remember arguing - a lot - about someone last time I was here...someone you've already mentioned 3 times in this conversation..."

"Oh you cannot be serious. O'Connell!? Yeah, no. For one thing, I doubt her cold, calculating heart is even capable of feeling anything romantic for anyone else. For two, I can't even fathom what someone might see in her...I mean, she's so...I mean, you met her right? She hates me. She's also psychotic. And suspicious. And illogical. And combative. And superstitious. And..."

"Smart..."

"More like calculating. And deranged. And duplicitous. And vindictive. And..."

"Kind... caring..."

"Manipulative. Spurious. Scheming..."

"Beautiful..."

"What?"

"She's really beautiful, you know. Gorgeous skin. Cute hair. Great lips. Pretty blue eyes..."

"They're green," Joel said a little too quickly before feeling himself blushing again. He pretended to pause and think. "At least I think they're green... Look, I guess she's nice looking. If you can get past her frontier woman clothing and neurotic exterior and look at her long enough without her opening her mouth to say something crazy and ruin the effect..." He paused, choosing his next words carefully, trying to maintain plausible deniability by seeming casual. "I mean, yes, she's pretty in a certain light. Objectively speaking, that is. I've actually never really thought about it before..."

"I see..." Elaine rolled her eyes. She'd get at this a different way. "So who *was* the wife?"

"What?"

"In the dream you had. Where I was your sister and you lived on the upper east side. And everyone else you know here played some kind of a role..."

"Oh...um..." Joel paused, thinking frantically and dropping his eyes from Elaine's, scratching his chin and pretending to think, redness creeping back into his cheeks and across his neck. "You know, I don't remember. I'm not sure I even saw her specifically, come to think of it." A vision of Maggie, shirtless on top of him, kissing him, flashed in his mind. "Yeah. I'm not sure."

"Uh huh."

"What?!"

"So you dreamed about being married to Maggie while I laid there, feverish in your arms all night?" She looked gleeful and she mock-chided him. "Joey, Joey, Joey...maybe I'm not entirely the bad guy here after all." 

"I told you, I don't remember who it was!"

"Why do you think I'm going to believe that? When have you ever successfully lied to me in this multi-decade span we've had together? Why do it now when we have" she checked her watch "less than 4 hours left together? I'm teasing you - I'm not actually mad, you know...so be honest."

"Okay okay. It was her. It was one dream. It was probably that flu taking hold of my brain. I was so sick once you left. I had to rub that horrible concoction all over me to get better. And Marilyn was out of it and wouldn't make more because I mocked its efficacy. So if O'Connell hadn't brought me her stash when she came to check on me that night I would have..."

Elaine smirked at him. 

"What?"

"Four times. Does she come over a lot at night?"

He did that thing he did where he narrowed his eyes and opened his mouth but couldn't find the words he wanted for a good 5 seconds. She had him. "I was sick...she came to gloat."

"Mmmm. And give you the only cure left in town? So...Danny Goldman? You know how you feel about him? After I left here, I didn't stop thinking about Maggie O'Connell for weeks. First off, she is very nice - smart and fun and sweet. *I* think she's great. And so do you. And you were obviously so anxious about her. Smitten, really. You couldn't go two minutes without bringing her up when I was here. And then I realized I'd barely heard a word about her before I came, even though I felt like I knew everyone else in town. The contrast was highly suspect."

"I'm sure I mentioned her. Angrily."

"You hadn't. I'd be in class and suddenly find myself thinking about that night with the wine you two were both so antsy over me knowing about..."

"Laney, nothing happened! I told you that! Even she told you that, and she was trying to stir up trouble..."

"I believe both of you that nothing happened. But you wouldn't have been so nervous if nothing *could* have happened." She grinned at him. "I mean, talk about jealous. I'd be sitting in the library, and all I could picture was you and this fun, gorgeous woman, out here basically alone together."

"Was she berating me in your imagination? Because that's about all we do together. Argue."

"Other times, I'd picture you, maybe having dinner and drinks some night at that bar. Or she'd be cooking you dinner and you'd decide to split another bottle of wine. Maybe you'd be camping together, sleeping in a tent together somewhere, late at night, and it'd be cold and you'd both be snuggled in and cozy and..."

"I wouldn't voluntarily go camping - ever - you know that. ...And I have been in a tent with O'Connell. It was decidedly not cozy."

"Oh *really*?"

"Yeah. It's not the tawdry tale you're imagining, either. We were in a plane crash together."

"What?!"

He laughed. "Yeah. I mean the crash was the easy part. She very calmly put her plane down in a field. But we were stuck out in a nature preserve for 2 and a half days with nothing but a tent. It was awful. I ate a squirrel." He made an earnest and disgusted face.

"*You* did!? How did you...get one?"

"O'Connell shot it. She put the tent up for us too. And got us water. Made our fire. Made it again when I smothered it by accident. Kept me from eating poisonous berries I found. She did everything, really..." His dimple appeared, betraying a smile he couldn't conceal as he recalled their adventure .

"Took care of you?" Elaine had a knowing look and Joel misread it.

"Hey, I fixed her plane! I wasn't completely useless. I took the engine apart and everything. We were able to fly back out because of me." He smiled bigger at the memory of his aviation achievement. She eyed him curiously.

"Not cozy though?"

"No! With her? No."

"Huh...well, I have a theory for you." She'd picked the pen back up and was moving it playfully with her fingertips, watching it tip it slowly from side to side, smiling a little to herself.

"Oh great. What?"

"Those feelings we don't have for we each other? I think you might have them for Maggie."

Joel pulled a face. "I certainly do not."

Elaine smiled bigger and stopped twirling the pen, looking into his eyes again. "And she has them for you."

The corner of his mouth turned up into a smile again, his dimple returning. "Really? Did she say something..."

"Yeah. She said a lot at that bar last night. She did not want us going home together... You didn't notice that?"

"She just wanted to make me uncomfortable. Games she plays. I told you, she's crazy."

"You mention her a lot more than you realize."

He didn't have a good response for that - or even a defense.

"And she does the same with you. And you both get that same look when you do it..." She paused, watching Joel squirm a little in his chair. "Nothing's ever...happened between you?"

He paused for a beat. "Elaine...this is really weird. Isn't it? Us talking about other people and..."

Jackpot, she thought to herself. "Something did! When?"

"No! No it didn't." He blushed again and felt conspicuous enough to add, "Okay. We kissed a little in the tent. But that was because of a dream. A different dream. Her dream. Not mine. And we might have kissed a little in the kitchen at the Brick, too. Well, a lot. But just that once. And just kissed. We stopped before anything could...and it was *after* you and I broke up. That's it, though. And that time in the bar - there's some documented meteorological phenomenon up here anyway. Causes temporary insanity." He rolled his eyes to look detached but couldn't hide his growing smile.

Elaine's smile broadened even further. "I knew it! I'm surprised you two didn't go at it on the floor the moment you got your hands on each other. Oh this is so great!"

"Great?! This is definitely too weird for me. Why are you happy about this? Me kissing another girl? And one you said 2 minutes ago that you were jealous of?"

"Because, Joey. Because you with a crush on someone is cute. It makes me happy. I've never seen you this way. And because in 5 minutes, I'm going to take a shower, get dressed, have lunch with you, and then go back to New York and start my life over again. I'd feel a lot better knowing there's someone here who cares about you. Who makes you feel like this." 

"Cares about me? O'Connell? She'll just come hoping to revel in my misery when she hears you've gone. Mark my words....and I am not going to live my life one day past what is legally required of me in Cicely, Alaska. So O'Connell and I won't work."

"Mark *my* words - she will make some excuse to come see if you're okay and then keep checking on you until she's sure that you are. And this town has its hooks in you. You're just too stubborn to see it - and what's going on with Maggie." She patted his hand. "I'll miss you, Joey. I came for the wrong reasons, but I'm really glad I came. I know you're going to be okay. Oh!"

She stood suddenly and left the table, walking to her purse, rifling through it until she retrieved something from it he couldn't see. "I never gave this back to you. I have no right to keep it, and I know it was your grandma's. I got it put back in her original setting, too." She handed him back the engagement ring he'd given her what felt like a lifetime ago.

He stared at it in his hand. "Elaine, keep it. Come on. It was a gift." Looking at it reminded him of his grandmother and, despite his words, his hand closed around it to feel it there.

"No. You keep it. It's your family's. And it wasn't meant for me..." She smiled a wistful smile, leaned down, and kissed his cheek before turning to walk to the bedroom, the blanket draped around her, following her like a cape.

\-----

Later, as Joel stood in his office staring out the window, thinking through everything that'd happened, O'Connell flew in, chirping about how Elaine was trying to trick him. Her nervous and frantic words were coming out at a rapid clip, but it felt oddly soothing to him as he watched the wind moving a leaf in a huge unseen cyclone in the space between his building and the one next door. His fingers closed around the ring sitting his pocket.

"...she came here with her trap set, and you just fell right in it." Her voice cracked a little as she spoke, betraying how upset she still was.

Joel smiled slightly at the window in front of him. Elaine had said Maggie would come to force the conversation, and here she was in her own O'Connell way, trying to talk to him about it. Maybe Elaine had better insight than he thought. "She's gone..." 

"What?" She'd clearly not expected that response from him.

He felt bad about the night before, picturing her face as he decided to leave the Brick with Elaine. He knew he'd hurt her and had felt sorry then - he felt it more keenly now, listening to her earnest protest. "Elaine left an hour ago."

"Oh." Her tone of voice changed completely and she faltered, unable to maintain her previous accusatory tone. "Oh...are you okay?"

He was certain then, that Elaine had been right. There was something between them, and he was almost overcome by the confirmation her unpolished concern conveyed. He turned to her, and her eyes locked onto his, looking sad and empathetic. Her face betrayed a rare look of raw and naked sincerity. She looked beautiful.

"I'm fine..." He smiled to himself and cast his eyes downward, the things he really wanted to say to her flooding his mind all at once, the different emotions covering his face enigmatically. He wasn't at all ready to deal with any of this right now, but he was glad nonetheless to feel it all. His eyes came back up, meeting hers again, just looking at her and thinking. 

Unable to read him, in the quietest voice he'd ever heard her use, she asked, "What?" Her eyes had widened further, as if a little nervous, afraid of not knowing what he was thinking - or maybe even what she knew she saw reflected in his eyes. And what might be reflected in hers. And yet she didn't ever look away from him.

He paused a long while trying to think of what to say. He decided to convey his gratitude, since it was all he was sure he had a handle on at the moment. "Thanks for asking." He smiled at her and watched her face as she did the same. An almost imperceptible flicker in her eyes solidified it for him. He had never felt this way for Elaine. For anyone. 

After a more few quiet moments he asked if she wanted to grab an early dinner. He wasn't hungry but he found he didn't want her to leave just yet. She said sure, and they left together ambling along Main Street and talking. 

At the Brick and still full from lunch, he pushed food around on his plate and told her everything that had happened - well, most of it anyway. They sat there together, nursing their beers until well past dark, talking, bantering, flirting, and arguing, her eyes smiling throughout. They were joined later by Chris, and then Ed. Shelly came in and out of their conversation as she waited tables. He watched Maggie laugh happily at something Ed said at one point, and he was suddenly aware again of that ring in his pocket. Her eyes settled, sparkling, on his as her laughter slowed, and he knew Maggie was its intended wearer.

Years later, after many ups and downs, quiet moments and huge fights, after appendicitis, after Juneau, after the afternoon in the barn, after Mike, after he decided to stay in Cicely, after everything they were bound to go through before they came together for good, he gave her that ring. Most of the time when he saw it on Maggie's hand, he thought, of course, of how much he loved her and how improbable and wonderful it was that they finally managed to make it work. Every now and again, though, when he saw it, he'd think of the day he'd gotten it back from Elaine, the day he'd first realized it was going to be Maggie, and how Elaine had been the one to help him begin to see it. He would remember and hope that wherever she was now that she was happy, too.


End file.
